The relationship circle of resentment
Where validation goes to die
There are a lot of places where love falls apart. Unmet needs might be the end result of love gone bad, but they’re not the catalyst.
Remember when love was fresh and new and you couldn’t get enough of your partner? You were willing to do anything to make that person happy.
She loves sushi and the thought of it makes you gag. But sure, let’s go to that new sushi place. I’ll just eat before in case there’s nothing there I like.
He loves watching UFC and you would rather clean toilets than watch a fight. But sure, I’ll go with you to the bar to watch it. It’ll be fun because anything I do with you is fun.
In the early stages of love, the things that are different about our partners, the things that they enjoy and value, but we don’t enjoy or value, don’t cause many problems. This is because we are so enamored, so focused on wanting to make the other person happy, that we’re willing to put what we want aside in order to fulfill the needs of the other.
She wants the dishwasher loaded a certain way. No problem. He wants the toothpaste rolled from the bottom. Certainly.
We could care less about the dishwasher or the toothpaste, but we care that our partner cares. We care about what our partner values, even if we don’t value it ourselves.
The problem arises when we stop caring.
I recently wrote a post on how to know what the fight is really about. Because when we start fighting about sushi and UFC and dishes and toothpaste, we’re not really fighting about any of those things.
We’re fighting about the fact that our partner no longer cares about what we value. And therefore, we feel the person no longer cares about us.
It’s great if you value the same things as your partner and share all of the same interests and enjoy the same activities. Of course there needs to be some element of compatibility. But compatibility isn’t the secret to a lasting relationship.
It’s good to have differences in a relationship. Our differences open us to growth and new experiences. It’s often our differences that enable us to balance the relationship. We can ground…
