Are You the Healed or Unhealed Version of You?

Sometimes you can tell by simply looking around you.

Julie Lynn


Photo by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash

I saw a meme the other day that said:

“The people you lose during your healing process are only meant to be with the unhealed version of you.”

Losing certain relationships can be difficult, but it is a key sign of growth.

This applies in any type of relationship, but especially to romantic relationships.

It is possible to hide aspects of ourselves from friends and acquaintances. But in a romantic relationship, we can only hide for so long before everything comes out.

Our romantic partners are our mirrors, and they trigger our deepest wounds.

Toxic people are unhealed people who use destructive and maladaptive coping mechanisms to avoid doing the internal work necessary to heal their wounds. These destructive and maladaptive coping mechanisms are harmful to themselves and to other people.

And if you are in a relationship with a toxic person, it is because you are also unhealed. You also have destructive and maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Your coping mechanisms are most likely different from your partner’s. And your coping mechanisms and your partner’s coping mechanisms can vary in the level of intensity they are directed inward vs. directed outward.

Often a narcissist and a codependent will end up in a relationship together. Both people are unhealed, but a narcissist’s harmful behavior is more directed outward while a codependent’s harmful behavior is more directed inward.

A narcissist is someone who is abusive to other people. The abusive behaviors are coping mechanisms that a narcissist uses to avoid feeling shame.

A codependent is someone who accepts abusive behavior. Instead of focusing on their own healing, a codependent will focus more on trying to fix someone else.

A narcissist and a codependent are two sides of the same coin.

If a codependent ends a relationship with a narcissist, but the codependent does not work on healing their wounds, they will most…